i am mean to people i think are stupid.

/realized recently the top three qualities in people that cause the most loathing in me are 1) selfishness 2) fakeness 3) idiocy

for #3, some people can't help themselves..

so i am a horrible person

all that glitters is gold

only shooting stars break the mold

"i'm going to read my bible

before i commit murder"

fun quotes.  the thing about being sick at home is that one gets much time to ponder.  and ponder of course i always shall do.  but pondering also inevitably often leads to thinking about sad things, discouraging things, things that make one bitter or any other number of unpleasant emotions.  reality isn't very pleasant despite the opiates we take to mask it.  ("religion is the opiate of the masses" - karl marx)  reality tells me that no one really cares about God.  reality tells me that females are idiots and idiots attract men.   reality tells me that the world's need for love is immense and that i am alone.

the devil twists truths though to suit his own purposes and thus induces cover-ups to block our ability to remember the other realities - that God knows everything.  that nothing is hindered from His sight.  that things that are fake can never fool Him, those hurts that are hidden are fully seen.  no one is smarter than God.  no one loves more deeply than God.  no one understands better than God.  and that is reassuring truth when i sense feelings of despair.  that as long as i am on the side of good, i am on the side of God.  therefore, i am never alone.

i wonder if the Lord ever despairs.

"... we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.^"

every good purpose of mine

every act prompted by my faith

this is what Paul and the apostles wrote to the Thessalonians.

Lord help me do my best for You.

by Your power, please bless what i do so that it may come to fruition

and bring You glory.

What next?  The next part of this argument, still in the fifth verse is that we must listen to and follow the arguments of the Word of God.  'Ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children.'  Now that the word 'speaketh' is not wrong but it is not quite strong enough.  A better translation would be: 'Ye have forgotten the exhortation which reasoneth with you', 'reasoneth with you as sons'.  That again is something that fascinates and thrills me.  You see, the Word of God does not merely give us general comfort, what it gives us always is an argument.  There is nothing I so dislike and abominate as a sentimental way of reading the Scriptures.  There are many people who read the Scriptures in a purely sentimental manner.  They are in trouble and they do not know what to do.  They say, 'I will read a Psalm.  It is so soothing-- "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want".'  They make of it a kind of incantation and take the Psalms as another person takes a drug.  That is not the way to read the Scriptures.  'The word of exhortation reasoneth with you', argues with you.  And we must follow the logic of it, and bring intelligence to the Scriptures.  We can never bring too much intelligence to our reading of them, they are not merely meant to give general comfort and soothing-- follow the argument; let them reason it out with you.

- Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure, by David Martyn Lloyd-Jones

via raymondchao

where You go i'll go

where You stay i'll stay

when You move i'll move

i will follow You

who You love i'll love

how You serve i'll serve

if this life i lose

i will follow You

in You there's life everlasting

in You there's freedom for my soul

in You there's joy, unending joy

i will follow

"if this life i lose, i will follow You."  i am scared.  and i am not sure who can relate to this.  i have been 1) becoming more distant from church life, and 2) my worship and relationship with God has been possibly growing increasingly more about Him and i without this church (like in the past).  i am not sure if He is calling me to serve elsewhere soon/now.  there also might be an opportunity to do so.

i promised to follow God no matter what.  but it is scary to do it alone.  when i was younger, i used to be fearful, knowing that if God called me to do something, it was possible i could not/would not be able to do it.  now i am fearful because i think He's grown me enough that i would do it.

humans are inherently selfish creatures.  they are difficult to serve.  i suppose one needs to commit much patience into them over and over again until they hopefully become not selfish.

must balance so that the work is more like tower defender where as you level up you manage less

and not like super pet salon where the more you level up the more work you have to do

sucks.  only change that can happen is through Christ.  but Jesus is not interested in changing unwilling people so that i will not be stressed.  darn.

my new mantra for ministry: time, patience, love, and prayer.

let's see how it goes.  (*crashes and burns)

my pastor reminds me that "the mission of God will often face opposition."

and even though i know this...

gosh i wish i had thicker skin

hurt my friends, my claws are unsheathed.

i am growing a greater and greater aversion to the wham-bam-thank-you-mam method of ministry that i see so many people implement (and i, myself, may have implemented in the past too).

i am learning that ministry is long-term, serious investment in people and that growth takes time (often, a long time).

i am learning that in order to lead someone closer to Christ, you must care for them and meet them where they are

- not where you think they are and not where you think they should be at and not where you expect them to be at.

i am learning that without patience and commitment, you cannot minister effectively.

i am learning that without love, you cannot minister at all.

i am learning it is far easier than one thinks to veer off from following God's plans and onto your own if you do not stop to check.

i am learning that without humbleness, it is hard to follow God.

i am learning that it is through fellowship with Christ that anything else can spawn.

i am learning that the old-school emphasis on the disciplines of scripture study and prayer are uncompromisable.

i am learning that one needs both vision / long-sightedness as well as a desire to work hard in order to be effective.

i am learning how crucial relationships are in ministry.

i am learning there is much more dying to self than most people realize / understand / are willing to do in order to work for God's kingdom.

i have been learning all this while not serving formally and only watching others.  i thought it has been a pretty bad year - with broken friendships and great disgruntlement and disappointment.  but i think the helplessness and quietness has helped my eyes understand a lot more on how God works and what is needed.  i am learning on what is important and fruitful to pursue and what is not.  i'm not sure if people stop to think about that.  not every idea one has is grand. 

do not waste your efforts on things that do not produce hearts for God.  evaluate your projects, see if any fruit has come from them.  return back to God.

i understand that not everyone can see.  i understand that i must teach.  and work hard FOR people.  discouragement and pain are tools of the devil.  i need to be on guard.