the joy of Easter is still with me!

praise God forever and ever!

On the Subject of Prayer

Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong.

Do not be quick with your mouth, 
   do not be hasty in your heart 
   to utter anything before God. 
God is in heaven 
   and you are on earth, 
   so let your words be few. 
A dream comes when there are many cares, 
  and many words mark the speech of a fool.

When you make a vow to God, do not delay to fulfill it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest to the temple messenger, “My vow was a mistake.” Why should God be angry at what you say and destroy the work of your hands? Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore fear God.

-Ecclesiastes 5

"In a heart-call, a deep inclination in the soul says, I must do this or I will die."

hooray i'm not going to die!!!!!  finally!  o finally.  i am finally on the path that i am supposed to be on.  and i assume, based on the steps that have come up and the doors that have opened (for lack of a better crappy christian cliche), just at the time that God intends for me to go on it.  i am exhuberant.

this is the first time i feel like, yay, i am straight up following God.  i confessed to ray the other day, as the memory came back to me, that for a long time i struggled with going towards ministry because.. well.. it would be an action completely based on faith.  i suppose we don't realize it but our faith is often fairly passive.  you believe and you obey the scriptures and that is pretty much it.  your life doesn't change particularly drastically just because you became Christian - unless, I suppose, you were a drug dealing money loving child abusing angry alcoholic whore.  otherwise, there's no real risk or loss.

that's why it was scary when i realized what i thought God wanted me to do.  because there would be a clear distinction in my life that i have given up everything for this.. Christian belief.  did i really believe it enough to do it?  i didn't know.    so i struggled.  the burden was so great, so heavy.  i cried often, felt my knees buckle during worship, my heart felt like an anchor.  how could i sing these words and not follow?  even when i finally said i would start applying, the burden didn't leave me.  i didn't understand why i still had it if i agreed to go on the path He wanted me to go on.  i made the decision to defer my decision to go to seminary and God gave me peace.  that was in.. 2008?  i realize now, while typing this out, that God was not interested in my physical obedience.  thank You Lord for Your grace.

then what feels like a lifetime later, i made the decision to move out of my pricey and wasteful apartment to start saving up, to take some action so that i could not use the excuse about tuition cost any longer.  and i think.  i truly think, that was when God believed me.  i moved back home, which allowed me to easily go to India when the opportunity was open, which God used to teach my heart more about Him and introduce to me people who would encourage me towards ministry.  everything - by which i mean me - was already set in place.  God changed the seminary financial aid program so that i would have full tuition if i would raise up a support base.  God gave me a willing support base easily.  OK now i am accepted.  now i go.  and i have no fear, no worry, no anxiousness anymore.  i actually forgot why i didn't apply years ago until i reflected on it.  i forgot because i don't have it anymore.    oh praise God.  You are real and so beautiful.

worshipping on train ride and walk home

always awesome

i can't wait 'til heaven.  so pumped!  all my friends will be there - ray, z, marian ! my sister, my brother in law.  we will be done!  all our service!  all our earthly bodies shed!  it will be the best party ever!

. also.  i realize how much i miss true heart-to-heart ministry to those who are really seeking God.  no, more than that.  i miss - evangelism.  i miss having discussions and listening to the Spirit for when to say and what to say and listening to Him to understand the other person.  i miss being able to discern the spiritual place that nonChristians are at and then knowing what to say or how to pray to help.  i miss - praying for people who desire to know God.  o man do i miss it and desire it so.

and i remember that i miss it because someone asked me today about his friend who could not understand why God would break someone down in order to draw them closer to Him.  and i had to search God to understand them - what their true spiritual hindrance or misunderstanding was.  

this is what i yearn for.  to do with God exactly what He made me to do.  

i realized that India and those i met through the ministry has awakened in me something that i had been missing ever since i started attending my current church (5+ yrs now).  it made me realize again that God is real and active and i can SAY IT.  i can say God is saying this, God is doing this, this is what God feels.  i am so refreshed and comforted, knowing there IS a will to follow and there IS a right path to be guided on.  i can see now, how everyone here, as i was, is doing ministry as if God were absent, or just an idea, a dead puppet head - as if the goal was only to serve and please people, to maintain the community.  it is because that is all they know.. i guess?  i don't know.

but! i do know!  if you seek God wholeheartedly, He will open the door for You.  and this is for all those who read this who have not yet experienced Jesus in their lives - if you seek Him, He will find you.  do not worry.

India is feeling further

the work goes on at home

Lord, sustain me, so i do not lose heart.

light a fire in their hearts Lord, one that desires You and only You. 

“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

frightening passages.  ministry may be scary.  Lord, stay with me.

The work of feeding and tending sheep is hard work, arduous work, and love for the sheep alone will not do it; you must have a consuming love for the Great Shepherd, the Lord Jesus Christ. Then He will flow through you in a passion of love and draw men to Himself.

- Oswald Chambers

REJOICE!

ah, tonight went so poorly - john was extremely late, worship went terribly, my powerpoint somehow got overwritten with an earlier, very incomplete version. we were awkward and struggled with our jokes in front of an unfamiliar, distant audience.

yet i left the night rejoicing and worshipping all the way home.  because i think - and i believe Jose felt Him too - i think the Holy Spirit spoke and there was power in our words.  so much power.  it is thrilling, my heart was swelling and i was full of awe.  i wanted to fall down in the subway and on the streets.  incredible energy to worship.

God cannot be silenced.  everything may break, human efforts will suck, but if/when God desires to speak, He will.  oh how wonderful it is to be used.  so addicting.

The absolute worst thing we do to people in church is to ask them to serve before we ask them how they are doing with God.

I WILL prioritize the worship of God by the people I serve with before any service we perform.

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

/rant

Your type is: ENFJ

ENFJ - "Persuader". Outstanding leader of groups. Can be aggressive at helping others to be the best that they can be. 2.5% of total population.

/T and F still swappable