i am scared of life.

it is always God and me first.

God and me and the world

Lord, i hope You know what You are doing..

sun and thunderstorms.

what is happening? 

it's been awhile since i've dwelled in the dark

it was a familiar feeling from long ago, though it was not fully there.

but it was definitely it

and i am trying to understand it, capture it.

wandering in midtown:

i stumbled across a very tall building
but it didn't have windows
it was just brick
a huge giant wall of brick
and i was startled
(at this time i was listening to the hymn 'before the throne of God')
and i felt very small
realizing one day that i will be before the gates of heaven
i will be by myself before God
also
the expanse of the sky high wall made me realize how great of a feat i was about to undertake
how much was before me..
the ideas put me in awe
i kept walking and hit the united nations, which i can't recall ever really walking to. perhaps once
i walked along the row of flags of every nation
remembering that it is God who put all these kings and nations into place -
to take care of His people
that all these authorities were designed and ordained by Him
all the people of the world
i just thought about the countries in the world, as God saw it
kept walking, came across two very large sculptures behind the gates - i guess part of the UN complex
i have to look them up
the first one was frightful.. a man on a horse stabbing a beast
(this was a humungous stague)
the beast was so frightening. another one had fallen already
what the man on the horse was stabbing him with was a long stick, and at the top, a cross
the other sculpture was a large elephant, but that startled me as well
it was the size of a real elephant but it was fake. my fright was real though and would have been the same if i had encountered a real elephant
or any other large wild animal
i realized how little of the world we see
living here
i walked past a duane reade, saw they were doing some back-to-school donation thing - i suppose for kids who can't afford school supplies
pondered on how the poor here are so rich and how things are so relative
then was startled again to encounter
a giant sign over an office building - for world vision
i guess they have an office here in ny? i looked for the entrance but am not so sure if i found it. it was on the second floor
then i came back.
oh - and the line of the song that kept repeating to me was
'one with Himself i cannot die'
(my soul is purchased by His blood)
He comforted me.
He is with me
that is all.

"Good Defeats Evil."

“I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me- that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.” 

― Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

"The condition of a church may be very accurately guaged by its prayer meetings. So is the prayer meeting a grace-ometer, and from it we may judge of the amount of divine working among a people. If God be near a church, it must pray. And if He be not there, one of the first tokens of His absence will be a slothfulness in prayer."

- Charles Spurgeon

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

1 cor 15:58

jose has this verse on her status msg.  apropos for me this morning.

/still fighting discouragement. sigh.

"one day you're going to really believe that all those split personalities are real.  lets just stick to real tiff.  haha"

-oscat

THIS GIRL.  THANK GOD FOR THIS GIRL.

reality. <3