Victor: so i'm thinking for 1 year and then renew it later?
Victor: commitment issues..sorry
tiff: haha no problem
tiff: that's awesome enough already
tiff: considering you've known me for like.
tiff: 6 months
tiff: haha
Victor: well i get the feeling you'll be useful
Victor: not to me
Victor: but for ministry
<3 so encouraging.
the ocean does not care about your emo thoughts.
/went to the beach, pondered the forces of nature and God this weekend. our inland internal introspective thoughts on our existence and purpose and self-centered desires seem so insignificant when compared to the workings of the rest of God's creation. waves will churn crash and destroy whether you have your life together or not. the oceans keep moving, the galaxies keep forming. oh how small we are yet so important to God.
God gives us the ability to wonder so that we may know Him.
the depth of my heart surprised me. i think i have trained myself after periods of severe pain to stay above a certain level, to live where everyone else lives. and so far, it's been working out, i guess. i am productive, i can hold a job, i can serve people, teach people, do things. i can laugh and not think.
i stopped thinking.
that is what happened. i just live; i just exist. i follow God but. oh i am scared i have made so many things up. i am scared there is a real self, the consciously-unknown self, the self that longs for someone to love me, for my parents to love me...
i cried last night. over my life, my unwritten future that i think and live as if it is written. God is writing it. but i am scared. the feeling of being alone and lost.
if God exists, everything will be worth it in the end.
if He does not, then what's the point of living at all?
i am posting this here because i think it would potentially garner not so awesome comments if i had it on fb. haha
so i have chronic uticaria - which means i break out in hives pretty much daily for idiopathic (unknown) reasons. i take zyrtec which keeps it under control. Recently during my breakouts, i discovered i've acquired dermographism: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dermatographic_urticaria
neat, huh? haha or weird depending how cool or uncool you think you are. haha that was done just by lightly scratching my skin with my fingernail. i am not a cutter; there was no pain involved. haha just itchiness.
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