me: boston's okay.. it's kinda off.. like a fake new york..
pastor aaron: what? what's wrong with boston? wait, i know what's going on! you don't dislike boston, you're homesick!
.... 
i miss you home. i miss you little shops in the LES. i miss you church. i miss you summer. i miss you parks. i miss you friends. i miss you...
Hail to the King
when i fear and am anxious
over life, future, decisions made
God blows my mind with reality
"do I not love you?" He says
"have I not cared for you?"
He reminds me of the times He's been with me. the times when He and i were so close. all the experiences we have gone through together. He's always had my back. Why would i ever worry over the future? we got this. He and i.
knowing Jesus, my Friend, gives me confidence.
strengths:
sanguine: 7
choleric: 4
melancholy: 9
phlegmatic: 0
weaknesses:
sanguine: 7
choleric: 2
melancholy: 7
phlegmatic: 4
"... we have found that many of the Melancholy-Sanguines were initially Sanguines who went through some very difficult childhood experiences. Their natural exuberance for life was pressed down. They learned that, much as they wanted to enjoy each day, experience proved this to be a hopeless dream. The bubbles in the sunlight were pricked one by one, and the optimistic nature gave up and withdrew. Adversity did not put the bright lights out completely, but now they only flicker upon special occasions."
sad
accurate.
if it is worth sharing, it is worth documenting:
on sunday, a man on the street asked me and my two friends for two dollars for a bus ticket. it was obvious that he was in no need of a bus ticket, but i took a step just to give him the initial benefit of the doubt - "i can just go with you and buy the ticket for you," i said. "no, no i don't know what time i have to leave." of course he didn't.
then he got on his knees and started begging. "please, please, i just need two dollars." ... then i saw him. the distraught was real. the reason was a lie but the desperation was true.
my friends took out their wallets and each gave him a dollar while i shook my head at them. we separated from him after that and i told them their dollars were only aiding him in his addiction. i told them what i really wanted to do was to cut through the clear pretense, care for him and genuinely ask, "what do you really need this for? how can i help you? how did you get into this position?" my friend asked, "why didn't you?"
i had no answer. why didn't i? i was not afraid - i was with two friends and it was broad daylight. the man was not intimidating. why didn't i? .. i just didn't. i can come up with a myriad number of plausible possibilities, barely thoughts like "i didn't want to inconvenience my friends," or "we're supposed to go back to school to study." but in reality, i just .. did not choose an option that i had stopped choosing. i have not freely lived for others for the sake of their salvation in a long time. i have allowed my mind, my schedule, my responsibilities to turn me into.. everyone else. i had no plans to witness that day.
why tiff? what have you turned into?
one day, i told my friend, i will do it. i will be there. i will go into broken people's lives and genuinely care, ask them "what's up, how can i truly help you?" tell them that i love them because Christ loves them. one day i will be perfected as His tool.
i have allowed myself to be set in these ways but God has been gracious enough to me to allow me to see it. i know it. i am doing better at it in school, to love on others, to die to myself so others can live. to bless them in Christ. when i choose not to die, that is when something is wrong.
Lord help me not conform to anything that is not like Christ. my Christ who ate with sinners. my Christ who would stop His journey to go to someone's house to care for them, to heal their daughters. Christ who had no agenda other than God's alone.
Help me to live everyday like this.
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