And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

 

 

why does God call me

why does He not call someone more faithful

in prayer

in Him

more devoted

less sinful

why does He give me gifts for His Church

why does He call me to walk on the waters

why has He been so patient with me

why has He been so loving

 

God has been so gentle with me

and the pressure continues..

 

while conversing with someone one morning recently on the prospect of my becoming a missionary and other ministry paths, a classmate i barely know told me how he has been so impressed with me this semester in our missions orientation class and how i have been leading my team.

 

why do you give me gifts Lord

 

God has shaped me so that i may know i am His.  

 

 

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us."

- Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

 

y are xanga pics downnn

 

These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

- Hebrews 11:13-16

i had jotted: they were homesick for a land they had never seen

 

"If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had the opportunity to return."

As i am homesick for new york and for people who love me.. i have the opportunity to return

but i left for something better

i am going towards something better

i followed Him here, and will continue

a stranger and an exile now

but soon a heavenly homeland

by faith, my Lord will bring me home.

<3

 

 

i realized i am good at having good one on one conversations with people.  all sorts.

 

hour and a half long conversation with a friend

while sharing my ideas on christian speed dating and a community of missionary friends,

she asked if i were an evangelist

i said ..supposedly..

she said what does that mean!? and remarked that most evangelists are entrepreneurs

i said that's what those spiritual gift tests tell me i have

and she said well don't wonder anymore, consider this as discernment and affirmation- i see it in you.  you are an evangelist!

 

 

an afternoon last week, long conversation with a new friend

he's doing his thesis on missions and evangelism in the presbyterian church

after sharing my ideas and thoughts

"you're asking the right questions, tiff!  man, i'm excited!  keep following, He's going to do something through you!"

 - ok..

 

 

 

IM GOING TO LET EVERYONE DOWN

AND DO SOMETHING VERY UNINTERESTING

maybe.

i just need to yield..............

YIELD!

 

 

 

What will God do with me?

 

Pay attention tiff.  Pray attention tiff.

 

 

 

i imagined myself preaching on missions, for the lost people

and as i pondered whether i would send or go

i realized

they need an advocate.

 

they need a person to cry out amongst the Christians for them to hear

for them to go

so they can hear

 

that is a prophet

to speak the words of God to His people

 

And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here I am! Send me.”

 

God is good to me.  He is so good to me.  

"no place I'd rather be"

 

I want more of You God

 

my seminary sisters (and brothers) are all apparently praying for a spouse.  it's kind of weird to me.  but i should probably get on that.

i've been spoiled and numbed by the affections of men

different people have said that i would always have someone taking care of me

i am just that kind of girl they say

 

i think i am a mixture of awkwardness, intelligence and vulnerability. i am loving and emotional and capable. i am passionate and clumsy. i lead and cry. i am more feminine internally than i am externally. insecure and loud. a mix of brokenness and gifting i told someone - and he saw it.

 

i need to talk to God more.  and yeah, marriage.  and then the world!

 

“When will you send him? If I could divide myself into a hundred parts every part would without delay find a place to work in the center of a rich ripe harvest field. But alas! It is hard to be only one. In America, twenty or thirty applicants for every vacant pulpit for every chaplaincy in the army! In this portion of “the field” not one preacher to a million. How long, O Lord, how long?”

- Rev. Bixby, 1862, missionary to the Shan

 

i'm screwed.  i'm screwed.  my heart is sore for the lost to know Christ and i don't know what to do.  i know people don't understand it; they don't feel it.  at best, they just admire it.  they wish they believed and cared as much as i seem to believe and care.  but they don't.  and i envy them.

i envy their free lives, their lives of self-pleasure.  their minds unburdened with the spiritual state of men they do not know.  simple worlds.  facts and quotes about the unsaved as just that.  i wish i did not feel what i feel.  i wish i did not tear, i wish i did not hurt to hear of all those without Jesus.  how much He loves them i wish they knew.

i don't know if i am strange or crazy or if i am simply the most logical of all.  it is not a difficult understanding - without Jesus, people will perish for eternity.  why then, does this not do anything to us?

is it because of our great faith in the sovereign God who will not let any of His elect not be captured?  i believe it.  just as i believe that God has His purposes for suffering.  but it drives me to weep regardless.  why do we not weep for the lost?  why are our hearts not moved?  how can you say these things are true?

 

we are self-centered.  we do not understand God.  or we don't really believe what we preach.

 

i get scared when i see that i believe.  because it is both a joyful yet terrifying worldview.