June 15, 2007
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my heart is heavy. tonight, i went back to my house to try on my sister's dresses and ultimately borrow one very last minute for a wedding Saturday. i also picked up a coach bag, my first ever super expensive fashion accessory, that my dad bought for me with his accumulated cash points from Mohegan Sun. i declined his offer for a ride home. i caught the bus and as i was sitting there, i couldn't escape the feeling of being so loved by my family. as my thoughts wandered though, i gradually grew sadder. i hate being selfish. i hate that i never love them. i am sad that they are used to my flakiness and careless attitude towards them. i am sad that i made my dad sad by moving out and that often times my parents are more like acquaintances to me than parents. most of all, my eyes were tearing and my heart was breaking because i know i keep God from them. i've been saved for .. almost 9 years now; i've shared the gospel with my parents 0 times. i keep my life with God away from them; i say grace silently and swiftly so to not break the flow of dinner. i write here about spiritual things, spiritual drama; they know nothing of this spiritual world and i never speak about it to them. i am selfish. i have always been selfish, used to being spoiled at home. this was possibly the first time though that i realized how selfish i was. keeping the truth of the gospel from them, keeping salvation from them is worse than all the times i've been late, all the times i got mad at them, all the times i didn't clean my room, all the times i didn't do my hw. they deserve to hear the truth of God from me. if i owe them anything, if i can offer anything real, it is that. help me Lord, it hurts. hear me, Jesus.
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